things i do

 i write when i'm bored,

i eat when i'm bored,

i write when i am angry,

i touch myself when I'm horny.

i sleep when my mind feels like

a vault of too many thoughts,

when my heart is so heavy that nothing seems to be working,

or when I'm feeling sick or tired.

i crave attention when I'm looking pretty,

i crave intimacy when i feel close to someone,

i look for love in all the wrong places,

and suffer mostly because of it.

i get annoying when I'm worried,

constantly asking questions

and trying to fix everything.

i think i have this superpower

where i can calmly assess

 when some shit goes down

and the world is in chaos--

i stay still, observe and do damage control.

i am calm

because my overthinking negative brain

has already had thought of the possibility of that happening,

so I'm not expecting the unexpected.

and i know people think I'm weird.

i am weird.

weird about money

because i don't really know what it is like to earn money and spend it on things.

i didn't grow up rich

but we were comfortable,

and then we weren't.

so i know what it is like to penny pinch in every last detail

because I've had to do it my entire adult life.

my mamu never says no when i ask for something,

and i wonder how she manages

because I've seen our destituteness

and she still manages to hold the ship together.

i used to be afraid of sex too.

men.

not anymore.

i have to thank a one armed man for that.

I'm anxious about the future,

constantly rehashing the past,

true to form-- i freeze when i need to act for myself

and I've written this entire thing down instead of studying.

i can't connect with people

because I'm too in my head all the time.

people like authentic

but my authenticity would just scare people away.

i know all these

and i still can't figure out how to sort my life.

huahahaha