lost in smithereens

 "oh to be young again

be blushing in all pink outfit

and chasing smiles from boys

who you'll forget tomorrow."

i have never had consistent male attention

in my life.

i was too shy as a teenager to date

and noone ever approached me anyway.

i sent one love letter to a boy in class 5--who rejected me.

don't get me wrong.

i have always had crushes.

more than once, i have dreamt of my life together with another person.

i am still that girl who craves men's attention.

while my teenage years were spent daydreaming but never lifting a finger of effort for my desires,

i spent my early twenties grappling with my sexual identity.

i always knew i liked men

but i started feeling like i liked women too.

and this knowledge wrecked me

and shook me to my core 

because i didn't know how to navigate that reality.

this torturing conflict gave me a mental illness,

(maybe i was always a bit delusional and this just burst the floodgates open).

and then i got a little better

with handling circumstances and

managing my sickness.

and now 

i know how to dress pretty, 

play up on my assets,

but that means i get male attention that i don't really know how to handle.

i have made aplenty of mistakes--

but now it is time to put this constant male grazing to an end

and really stop people pleasing.

or particularly--pleasing men.

and think of what do i actually want

away from all this.

i think deleting socials from my phone was the first step,

and let us see where this goes.