my body

 they say your body is a temple,

worship it.

but i've had such a love, hate relationship with my body,

that it is very difficult to follow this advice.

i'm a big girl,

chunky in all the wrong places.

i've been obese

for a long time.

had lost the weight in my mid 20s

but it all came back

and i've had a voluptuous body for as long as i can remember.

i was a very pretty child,

so pretty

that i was touched inappropriately 

by people

i knew.

then i had my periods

when i was 11,

and suddenly

i was the only girl in my class with boobs.

it made me so self conscious.

and then i ballooned like a blowfish,

i put on so much weight

that i never got to experience

what it was like to be liked by someone else.

while my friends didn't have any problems

finding boys who loved them

and wanted to kiss and touch them,

i remained in the sidelines,

just looking.

somewhere i imagined

i might be gay

because i found female bodies beautiful.

it was a strange realization

and stranger still when i told my parents

and they shrugged it off.

this had tormented me for years

and at the end,

it didn't even matter.

and then....yesterday happened.

i never thought i'd experience physical love 

in this lifetime.

but i did.

it felt wonderful,

as easy as breathing,

and now i crave for more.

my body felt like home for the first time,

and now i feel strangely empowered.