self-reflection

 'my life is a joke'

i said

he asked

'don't you think about how it could be better?'

and here i am

putting thoughts on paper

trying to figure it out

areas i am not happy about

my finances

my health

my lack of career

my non-existent relationship with self 

my love life

areas i am grateful for

my family

god

inherent sense of self reflection

how do i 'transform'?

will i ever reap benefit of doing that?

for now, my finances is in disarray

i dont have the mental capacity

or strength to figure it out

at least for another year

my health--

i have to lose weight

that is a non-negotiable

and there are other things to follow

my career

maybe just maybe i am not meant to have a career?

just a job that i mediocrely don't suck at?

but no

i want a career

and i need to work for it

time is ticking

figure your shit out dammit

my relationship with self is a little distorted

i feel good when others compliment me

i feel bad when i don't get attention

i hate being ignored

yet i always ignore my internal cues

i say i love myself

but i dont like the person looking back at me in the mirror

instagram has made shit harder

there is always some guru

who has figured life out

trying to sell you ideas on how to make yours better

i don't need these contradicting advice

i need to sit down and get shit done.

my love life--

well, do i even call it that? 

barely hanging by a thread

but no

i want it figured out

i want love, commitment, loyalty

fidelity

magic

FAMILY

but make myself magic first

and heal relationship with self which is an everlasting journey

i need courage

i need strength

i need commitment to self 

i need all the prayers in the universe

to guide me down a good path

hopefully

things will

get better