how is 2025 going so far?

 my biggest fear in life

is that i will end up alone

never knowing what 

love looks like

what it feels to be adored

and loved

and respected

by a significant other.

i'll be turning 30 in 2 months

and i've never had that kind of love in my life.

is it because i'm a big girl?

i'm directly propositioned for intimacy

before someone gets to know me as a human.

and then 

they run away like the plague is here.

it's weird

this craving for intimacy

while being afraid that

i'm committing a big mistake

because you know

in movies

there is always this character

who falls in love with all the problematic men

and gets so wrapped up in the relationship

because they're being showered with love

for the first time in their life.

i used to think

what fools they must be

to fall for 

such men

but as i get older

i understand

how easy it is to get tricked

into thinking you've got the real deal

when it is at times

less than ideal.

while i fear ending up like that

i also fear loneliness

and dying alone.

if my portrait would get made

i'd be surrounded by darkness

on all sides

and me screaming my head off.

that's how i feel most days.

a whole lot lost

and scared shitless.

there's kind of catharsis in writing this down

however,

i see no solutions

and i feel

scared.

belittled

humiliated

lonely

just some adjectives which describe life lately