contemplation

 so my instagram inbox showed 3 messages,

and i got excited.

excited of the possibility 

that a man had texted me.

but no,

they were three different messages from my girl friends (girls who are friends)

and it got me thinking:

when it is always my girl friends

who rally around me

make me feel good about myself

hype me up

and make life worthwhile,

why is it 

that i constantly 

wait for validation

from a guy (any guy) ?!!

let's face it.

i'm turning 30.

never had a romantic interest.

the most i've had is a textationship

with different men.

i'm not the most good looking person,

neither do i have a great body

(i'm obese).

so unless i make some drastic change,

this is going to be my lot for the rest of my life.

and i'm scared.

scared that i'll never know romantic love.

never know what it feels like

to be kissed by someone i love.

scared that i'll end up alone.

but this again makes me think:

why don't i look at the positives?

i.e., my family, few friends, an opportunity to pursue what i love,

gratitude, god, gifts.

i've got so much going on in my life,

and maybe i'm not meant to find the love of my life,

but what about all the love that is actually around me?

when will i learn to appreciate this?

now or never

god, 

as i sit here and contemplate,

i know i shouldn't complain.

you've blessed me with many blessings

and continue to do so.

life ebbs and flows,

and it isn't going according to

what i want,

but 

i'm happy where i'm headed

and thank you for blessing me.