rejections

 'i am not ready for a relationship'

said the guy i thought i'd marry someday.

'if i marry outside my caste, my mom says people won't come to eat at our house'

said the guy who doesn't return my texts anymore.

'i don't love you'

said my best friend of over a year when i confessed i liked him.

'i have to change my id and password now, i can't have you messaging me'

said the guy who told the world that he liked me.

i have heard rejections in every shape and form,

so much so that now i wonder

am i the problem?

i have loved love ever since i've known what love is.

but is my approach wrong?

am i unlovable?

--ok to have fun with, but not enough to date?

maybe i just let my guard down easy.

what is it about me that screams i am ok to be messed around with?

i'm 30 this year and i've never had my first kiss,

i don't know what it's like to hold hands with a guy,

snuggle,

love,

love.

i'm tired of having to explain

that i am worthy of love,

the kind of love where you want to not say you love me too.

i give up,

i give up.

i am done now,

i leave it to god and the universe--

whatever may come my way.