YACHNIT

I lost my little brother last year. It was the first time that the death of someone had such an effect on me. It broke me down, made me question everything that I’d come to know, shook me to my core, and left me in pieces trying to make sense of this world.

Months have passed, and life has moved on, but every day I still think about him. It isn’t a conscious effort either. Small things remind me of him. A picture of a toddler, the voice on the street, the clothes on display at the kids store..

I loved him dearly. And never had I even fathomed the possibility that he would leave us so soon.

 

THE DAY HE WAS BORN

I vaguely remember that day. It was 2014. I was in my first year of college, my first year away from home. I lived in the college hostel  which had an awful cell phone reception. It was evening, after class.  I was in my room. I got a call from home. I had to step outside for a bit of privacy and better cell phone reception. It was my mum. I had been expecting a call because I knew aunty was at the hospital. She said, ‘ Your aunty gave birth.  It was a boy! You have a baby brother!’  ‘What? I have a baby BROTHER?’ I was ecstatic.

 I called aunty who was at the hospital. I asked her how she was doing, and all. This is what I remember of the conversation we had:

 ‘Aunty, have you thought a name for him yet?’ ‘ Why? Do you have a name in mind?’ ‘Actually, yes.  I have - Yachnit. I wanted to name my son but I think it would be perfect for him.’  I had heard of the name recently. I liked it when I first heard it. So I thought she might like it too. She was silent, so I asked, ‘What do you think?’  She let the word sink in. It was a unique name. She replied, ‘Yachnit-I like it.’

So that is how I named my baby brother. It was the first time I had named a baby.  I had hoped that he’d like the name when he grew up and would thank me one day. 

THE SNOOPING OF THE ‘NAME’

My family had a lot of questions regarding the ‘name’.  What does it mean?  is it a nepali word?  How did you come across such a name?

I repeated myself constantly. The word Yachnit means ‘a prayer’. Yes, it is nepali. (They checked the dictionary. Oh yes, they did. Aditi told me about it.)

Actually how I came to know the name is: It is the name of a Nepali model. He is very good looking. So I cyber stalked him searching for anything that I could read up about him. I read an interview where he explained the meaning of his name, which I thought was pretty cool.

 But I didn’t mention this bit. I just made it look as if I had searched for it in the dictionary, at least at the beginning.

YACHNIT’S MANY FIRSTS

Going to college in a different city seemed like a good idea when I first thought of it. What I hadn’t factored in was the constant ache of home sickness I’d feel or the fact that I would miss out the growing up of my siblings.

Yachnit was growing up. But I wasn’t there to witness it.

Of course, I went home on holidays. But when he was a wee tiny little thing, it always took time for him to warm up to me-a day or two before he wouldn’t cry when I held him.

Everybody would update me on his ‘achievements’. He learned how to walk. He grew a mane of curly hair. His first tooth erupted. He learned how to say a few words. Now he can talk in full sentences. He destroyed Ade’s lipsticks today, Mamu found him putting on makeup in her room.

And then there was Facebook. Anything that I’d miss in the long conversations home, I would see it on my wall where there were so many photos of him. Everyone loved uploading his photos. He was a cute baby.

One day, aunty messaged me a video of him talking on Facebook. It didn’t open on my phone. I eventually forgot about that until much later.

 

MY LITTLE BROTHER

Yachnit was born on August 29, 2014, a healthy, beautiful baby boy. When he left us, he had brown eyes, curly brown hair and was very handsome.  He loved mischief.  He loved to put makeup on his face. And he loved meat. He loved to play outside…run around as little kids like to do. He wasn’t afraid of anyone. He loved our dog, always hugged her every chance he got. He liked to eat chocolate too. He was charming, a tad naughty but he was adorable.

 And the last wish that he had was he wanted to go to school carrying a bag pack just like his big sister.

MY FASCINATION WITH HIS TEETH

Whenever I went home, one of the first things I did was ask Aru and Yachnit (two of my younger siblings) to open their mouths so I could check their ‘teeth’.  How many they’d grown since I last saw them. Was there any cavities? I was fascinated by the process of human teeth eruption that I had learned in my first year.

 When he was at the hospital and the doctors were pumping all those antibiotics in his body, this thought crossed my mind, ‘These medicine will make his teeth awful. Tetracycline poisoning…’

MY RECOLLECTIONS OF OUR TIME TOGETHER

Now that I think about it, I remember so little.

..the phone calls. He liked to run around the flat talking on the phone. He would do that for a long time if someone didn’t take the phone away from him. He didn’t make much sense but I loved hearing his squeaky voice and the fact that he was talking to ME (he remembers me?!).

..That day we went to a secluded temple in Panauti. Yachnit, Mamu, Sinanu, Aditi,Ade and me. It was a sunny day. It was a pretty place-a museum and a few temples enclosed in the compound. We strolled around taking pictures. I don’t know if he noticed all that though. As my mum kept watch,he was busy putting tika all over his face and playing with the bell that made a loud ringing sound.

..He thought Anu dijju and I were the same person.I wear glasses. My aunt’s sister also wears glasses. So Yachnit mixed us up all the time. He called her ‘Ame’ more than once. He never called me Anu for some reason.

 ..The day I took pictures of him sleeping so peacefully, trying not to wake him up, unaware that he wouldn’t be there next year.

..The way his face lit up as he ran across our living room and hugged me when I came home. ‘Ameeeeeee dijju’, he shouted my name.

..That space between his two front teeth which didn’t bother him at all because he broke out into the most radiant smile when he was happy.

YACHNIT IS NOT FEELINGWELL

 Babies get sick all the time. Sometimes it’s the flu, sometimes it is tummy ache. Sometimes they fall down and scratch their knees.

So when I heard he was sick, I assumed it was just the seasonal ‘flu’, I didn’t think much of it.

Fever, which is all he had.

It was a few days before his second birthday. Mamu had taken him to the hospital. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about.  He wrote down the name of some medicine. She came home thinking everything would be fine. He didn’t get better.

HIS SECOND BIRTHDAY

 I always celebrate birthdays at home. My birthday is in May. I was home for my birthday last year too. For some reason, it was the first birthday ‘celebration’ that Yachu remembered. So on the days leading up to his birthday, when anybody asked him, ‘Whose birthday is it?’, he replied, ‘Ame dijju ko.’  (It is Ame’s birthday.)

On August 29, 2016, I called Mamu early in the morning.

I just remember my end of the conversation:

‘Happy birthday ,Yachu. Whose birthday is it today? What do you want for your birthday, birthday boy? A chocolate, maybe?’  

I heard Mamu on the background, ‘ No need for chocolates. He is not feeling well. Just come home safely.’

I planned to surprise him, coming home.  I was on the way.

He was always the first person who greeted me on the door. But this time, he didn’t do it. He just looked at me…not even a smile. He must have been feeling so sick.

That night, when we cut the cake and sang him the birthday song, he tried to enjoy it. But he looked dazed and irritated.

Aditi bought a magnetic writing board the day after his birthday and planned to give it to him when he came back from the hospital, but Yachnit never saw the gift nor did he ever come back.

THE NIGHT THAT I CANNOT FORGET

There are some days which start like every other day. You wake up, hoping it will be a good day.  But something terrible happens. And each and every moment gets etched in your brain refusing to let you forget about it. One after the other, things go from bad to worse. You try to make sense of things, try not to give up hope, but .This was one of those days.

I wasn’t supposed to be there at the hospital. But I was. And this is what I saw.

Yachnit squirms on the hospital bed, he doesn’t want the doctor to draw blood from his arms. He tugs at the tube inserted on his wee wee. Restless, he tries to throw off the wet towels that the doctor has asked us to sponge him with.

They take him away inside the ICU.

‘Please go outside everybody. Do not crowd the ICU.’

Yachnit blows out gusts of air. It is getting hard for him to breathe. He looks scared but it is nothing compared to the fear I see in eyes everywhere else.

He can’t make sense of it. Heck, nobody can.

It is metabolic acidosis, they say. Diarrhea, vomiting and eating nothing for a few days- that is all it took.

The men gather around, discuss.

Septicaemia. There are microorganisms in his blood. When the fever subsides, things will get better.

But the fever refuses to leave his body.

Aunty comes outside the ICU looking like a ghost. She is trembling. Nothing has prepared her for this moment.

Lord, why is this happening?

‘Nanu, you have to pray. We have to pray. God will not betray us like this.’

Uncle is trying to be strong. He hugs aunty. Wraps her around for support.‘ We have to be strong…whatever happens..’

Papa is here. So is Buwa. Naresh uncle, and a man I don’t recognize. Rekha dijju. She is the one who is allowed to go inside the icu.

I stand outside, feeling helpless…wanting to scream, wanting to cry..too frozen with fear to do both.

Arun dada is not here. Mamu called him an hour ago, two hours ago? He still isn’t here. 

The night is long.

The crying never stops.

I open the ICU door. ‘Don’t come inside.’ ‘Please doctor, i need to see him.’

I go inside to look at him. Tubes everywhere. His hair is sweaty. He smells like me after a long day. ‘Dijju loves you so much.’ , I whisper into his ears.

Commotion. Irrelevant talk about some other patient.

They keep sending names of medicine that we need to get from the pharmacy.

Things are getting out of hand.

We sit, waiting.

Early morning. The crying never stops. Sanjita bhauju, Aama, Ishwori dijju… There are so many people outside. Everyone is here.

I have no hope left. I go home, not wanting to leave. I come back.

More people. ..neighbours, family members… Who called everyone?

News travels fast.

‘ We need to take him off life support.’

Pure agony.  Crushed. Broken. Sucker punched. That is how I feel.

Listless eyes of aunty scare me more than the sound of everyone crying.  Something has died inside of her, I can tell.

Mamu’s eyes- red and swollen. Still there is a constant stream of tears.

Nobody is immune to the sorrow.

Will they let me see him? They do, they let me inside.

I wish I hadn’t seen him like this. But how could I not look at him one last time? My beautiful baby brother.